10 Steps to Relationship Breakthrough
Posted by Wendy Jacobs in Nov, 2015
10 STEPS TO RELATIONSHIP BREAKTHROUGH
At the end of most of my Relationship Workshops and Retreats I like to end with the 10 Steps to Creating Relationship Breakthrough.
You see often people have the intention of making their relationship great but in fact do very little to make that a reality, and although the day is filled in insights and aha moments and powerful tools, skills and strategies, many leave using very little of what they learnt. Why? Often because we are creatures of habits and many of us spend or days responding to whatever shows up rather than directing our attention thoughts and actions towards what we desire most.
To simplify I decided to put together 10 Steps to Creating Relationship Breakthrough, 10 steps that must be consistently followed in order to experience a breakthrough in your relationship.
A break through can mean bringing a relationship back from the edge or it can mean building on and making even better a relationship that is already strong. No matter how you rate your relationship, there is always another level. Remember nothing ever stays the same it either get better or it gets worse, so make sure you are doing all you can to make your relationship amazing!!!
1- DECIDE
The words decide means to cut off all other possibility to make a commitment to the outcome, the dream, the desire you have for your relationship.
2- BE ACCOUNATBLE
Know that at every moment you are influencing your relationship, by what you think, what you do and what you say. You influence goes beyond what you display in front of your partner your relationship is influenced by the way you communicate both internally and externally, in front or in absence of your partner and you are accountable for that. If what you think, say and do is in alignment with the vision and future you desire to have with your partner then you are well on your way to creating an amazing relationship.
3-KNOW WHY
When we know why we are committed to our vision for an amazing relationship it gives powerful meaning and purpose to our thoughts, words, and behaviour. Without knowing why it can be very easy to give up when things get tough. Those who have achieved great success in life and in relationship have always known why they were dedicated to their vision. There is a reason that provided them with the fuel the determination to do what was necessary to achieve success, even when it was tough. This is the same in relationship when you know why, your reasons will drive you , inspire you, bring out the best out in you, and never allow you to ever give up.
3- HAVE A PLAN
If you fail to plan then you plan to fail is one of my most favourite quotes, from Bill Phillips. Quite simply without a plan we lack direction, focus and a target. In this space we often find ourselves responding to whatever shows up rather than directing our attention towards the desire we have. Creating an amazing relationship requires a vision, followed by a plan which allows for many ways for our vision to be achieved.
4- HABITS-
I think Ghandi sums it up best when he says – Your words become your Actions and your Actions become your Habits- your Habits become you Values and your Values will shape your Destiny.
Creating an amazing relationship can be taught but it requires more than learning some cool tools, skills and strategies to overcome conflict communicate more effectively or forgive. It requires a strong foundation of focus, communication, values, beliefs, decisions, language, meaning and much more. It is this strong foundation that will have you consistently influencing positive results in your relationships.
We want positive results consistently in our relationships not just once in a while. This is achieved by consistently aligning our thoughts, words and actions with the vision we have for our relationship.
EXERCISE EMOTIONAL FITNESS
The ability to consistently influence the emotions we want to experience most in relationship. Often people imagine that relationship is the place where they will experience all the emotions they desire most, emotions such as love, passion, laughter, joy and yes this is certainly true. Relationships are definitely the place where all human emotion is magnified. Notice I said all, it is the place that when things are going good, it can be amazing but when things go wrong it can be the place of excoriating pain and suffering.
This is why it is essential to exercise emotional fitness which is the ability to feel what you want to feel on a consistent basis. Because life will throw curve balls, there will be adversity and without emotional fitness your relationship will either thrive or die.
5- CHANGE YOUR STORY
Become aware of the habitual stories you tell of your relationship. There are many stories that you can choose to tell, and yes some of the stories you are in fact true but they may not serve the outcome and purpose you have for your relationship. It may be time to throw out any stories which do not strengthen your relationship. Focus on the stories you have that elicit memories of love, passion, excitement, and fun and notice how this shift in focus influences how you feel and relate in your relationship.
6- KNOW YOUR RULES
If you are unhappy in your relationship, your rules are the reason why. The rules are the standards you have put in place about how things need to be in order for you to experience the emotions you most want in relationship. An example that comes to mind as I write this is a rule a client of mine had which went something like this, “When you smile at me I feel loved” . Seems simple enough, right, but what if your partner just doesn’t smile all that often. Does that mean he/she doesn’t love you? If you have a rule that states your partner needs to smile in order for you to feel loved you might consider changing your rules in order to make it easier for you to feel what you want most. Perhaps the new rule can be, whenever I smile at you, I feel loved.
7- KNOW YOUR NEEDS AD YOUR PARTNERS NEEDS
We all have primary basic emotional needs that drive all our behaviour, the problem is that most of us don’t know what they are. Many of us are also unaware of the emotional needs of the person we are in relationship with.
Once we know what these are we can stop the conflicts in our relationship because I can assure you that the TRUE source of ALL conflict comes down to unmet needs, and if you knew what they were your relationships would be filled with the emotions you want to experience most.
10-PROGRESS NOT PERFECTION
Drop the idea of perfection it doesn’t exist every relationship is facing some kind of challenge the difference however is progress. When you know that you are growing, understanding, learning, becoming more, relationships flourish when you feel stuck pain and suffering sets in. Relationships like life are a place to grow, a place where you will face challenges and have massive opportunity to grow as a person and as a partner.
BONUS – NEVER GIVE UP
My personal favourite is to never ever, give up! When I speak on Relationships I often remind my audience that although a lot of what I teach is focussed on the intimate relationship. We are relating all the time, with everyone in our lives. The outcome or the desire of relationship is to experience specific emotions. It is only our perception that gets in the way of us consistently experiencing what we want. We try to bend and mould this thing called relationship to get what we want, and this is where things start to go wrong, relationships are not the place where we come to take but rather the place where we come to give. So if your greatest desire is to give love you always have the ability to do that despite what is going on in your relationship. It is with in your capacity to feel what you want most and it is only you which is getting in your way. This doesn’t mean that you have to put up with bad behaviour or stay in a relationship that no longer serves you. This does, however mean that you can still feel what you want to feel with this other person despite what the relationship is. You can always choose to love.
So there we go my 10 steps to relationship break through. I hope you both enjoyed it and are now putting some actions in place so that you too can have an amazing relationship.
As always may your relationships be conscious and filled with love xxxx